Careful What You Say
"Are you sure about this, Zim?"
"Trust me, I did my research. Human females are sexually drawn to what human males say. Go on, try it!"
"I'm gonna sound stupid..."
"You always sound stupid," Zim reminded his awkward human companion. "Now, go tell that girl over there what I told you to say, and I guarantee you that you'll be a virgin no longer!" He shoved Dib forward towards a female classmate of theirs, a 16-year-old named May, who was packing her backpack, getting ready to leave their algebra class.
Dib stumbled just in front of May's desk, and when she stared up at him, puzzled, Dib smiled as though nothing was wrong. Zim stood a few feet behind him, listening with anticipation. "Hey, May..." the 16-year-old big-headed boy greeted, nervously.
May only stared at him, confused.
Dib glanced over his shoulder at Zim, who only nodded reassuringly, waving his gloved, three-fingered hand at him hurriedly to tell her already.
The human boy turner back to May as he cleared his throat, leaning forward on May's desk toward her. His tone of voice changed drastically, from nervous to seductive. "May... Would you like to measure something with my..." Dib reached into his coat pocket, pulling out, quickly, a large ruler in front of his face and in front of May's face, startling her. "...Ruler?!"
From behind, Zim cupped a hand over his mouth to cover his coming laughter.
"It's long and..." Dib snaked his tongue around the ruler in a suggestive manner. "Hard!" He blinked at her. "Just like me..." the tip of the ruler went into Dib's mouth, and Zim was now silently laughing hysterically into his hands at what he was hearing.
In response, May quickly grabbed her supplies and her backpack as she raced out of the classroom...
...Just as Zim exploded into a loud fit of laughter, falling to his knees as all the air from his body came out in a insane fit of laughter.
Dib's cheeks were burning, but so was his blood. He turned back at Zim, --who was now lying flat on the floor in tears from the humor of it all--, embarrassed and completely, utterly sullen. His heart was racing and he was breathing hard. "Zim?!"
On the floor, Zim tried to re-gather his lost breath, calming down slightly except for an occasional chuckle. "What?"
"Why did you tell me to tell that girl that my ruler was as long and hard as my You-know-what?!"
The Irken chuckled again, calm with his answer, "Because I knew you would say it, and I thought it'd be hilarious."
"Not to me it wasn't!"
"Because humans have no sense of humor."
Dib's constant yelling was annoying him now. "What?" Zim whined, irritated.
"That was not funny!" Dib reminded him. "Now May's gonna tell everyone that I licked my ruler at her!"
Zim bit his lip to keep from laughing, staying quiet from responding to Dib.
Dib stood there, looking down at his alien friend, waiting. He crossed his arms over his chest and stomped his foot. "Well?!"
Zim sat up off the floor, staring up at Dib. He shrugged at him. "Well what?"
"Don't you have something to say to me?"
There was only silence.
"Anything at all...?"
"I think that was honestly the funniest thing I have ever witnessed in my life," Zim answered truthfully, after much thought.
Dib rolled his eyes. Note to self, the big-headed human boy reminded himself silently. Never go to an alien for any sex-related advice.